A Little Humor Won't Hurt

Hypnotism at the Senior Center
(submitted via e-mail by my brother, Tom Reichard)

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: "I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center...


My Very Expressive, All-Boy Grandson
(plus ToadMama having a wee bit of fun with Photoshop)

Dear Reader:

You won't fully appreciate the small details that totally make this picture unless you click on the image and check out the larger size. So, please. Humor me. Put down that darn Crackberry/iPhone, whatever and look at the full-size view.

Fondly,
ToadMama

Did you look at the larger version? Well, did you?

Why not?
(The faces this boy makes crack me up!)

K Finally Expelled Her Tapeworm
(submitted by Jenn Myers, K's awesome foster Mom)

She really did. The above photo is a reenactment, staged by K's foster Mom who just may have a sense of humor weirder than me. Maybe. If not, she's pretty darn close!


Where Mom Jeans Really Come From
(submitted by Shannon, my oldest, globetrotting daughter)

Shannon found this Mom-cotton store in Sharm el-Sheikh, Egypt. That's gotta be what they use to make Mom jeans, right? Mystery solved! Thanks, Shan.


Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought...
(found by little ole me while shopping for dog bones)

Amazon.com definitely has its pluses and its minuses, but I still shop there often because they have lots of stuff and you can usually find pretty good prices. For the life of me, I don't know why local brick-and-mortar retailers either don't sell compressed rawhide rolls or do sell them for exhorbitant prices. But that's a whole 'nother story.

I found the rawhide rolls on Amazon at a good price. And I got a little giggle out of the deal. Check out the "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought" recommendation.

You'd think more than one person would have to buy this item for it to qualify as a recommendation, right? Could it just be a weird coincidence that multiple customers bought professional noise canceling earmuffs with the bones?

I confess, I didn't so much giggle as just scratch my head and wonder what's up with that?


Wacky Web Sites You Might Enjoy
(most of these were found by Hubby)

Is your partner one of those not-so-handy men? If yes, you should be able to relate to this one. If no, go look anyway, just for some giggles.

Do you always feel like somebody is watching you? Apparently, lots of other people do, too. They see Faces in Some of the Weirdest Places. You may never look at things around you in quite the same way.

Need a cartoon for your Blog? There are some cool--FREE--ones to use at www.BZToons.com. Like this one, which made me think of K's foster Mom...


Here's one that describes yesterday's weather...


Speaking of crappy... you have reached the end of today's post.

That's a weak closing, I know. Sorry. I'll try to do better tomorrow.

Giggle Incitement

Something happened earlier today that really made me giggle.

As most of you know, I work from home. My dogs are pretty good about just hanging out, not bothering me as I work, but every now and then nature calls and they'll come tell me they need to go outside. Keep in mind, I'm all alone in the house except for the dogs, so they have no choice but to come to me.

This is Meg, my 10-year-old Brittany. The one that is famous world-wide for her Meg's Dilemma slideshow. Meg has a very expressive face and definitely her own personality that never fails to keep us entertained. Her nickname, by the way, which she answers to, is Crazy Dog.

When Meg wants your attention, she's relentless. Earlier today, I was working away, when Meg came and sat next to me. I was busy, not paying her any attention, so she put her paw on my knee.

I ignored her. The paw pressure increased.

Finally, I looked down.

That's when I almost choked. Because this is what I saw...

The dog was wearing my bra.

For real. The shoulder strap was around her neck and it was hanging down right in front of her chest. I didn't have my camera at hand, so these pictures are a recreation, but it really happened.

Not only was she wearing my bra, she'd put it on herself!

How does that happen? My bras were in a heap on the floor by my laundry room, queued up to be washed. I'm guessing she was sniffing around in the pile and somehow managed to get herself entangled.

Now, I don't know if she came to tell me she had to go out or to say, "Um, Mom. A little help here? Can you get this thing off of me?"

She was a bit indignant that I was laughing at her, but happy I was available to remove the foundation. She was even a good sport about wearing it again so I could take these pictures.

That's my Crazy Dog...

UPDATE: It gets weirder. If it happens once, it's probably an accident. Right? Well, it happened again! I was in my office, signing off the work computer for the day when both dogs popped in. I walked down the hall to the bedroom and when I turned around, there Meg was wearing the same bra. Now, that's just bizarre. I made her walk downstairs, tripping over the thing, so she could show Hubby. I'll never understand dogs.

Happy Birthday, Hubby!

Today is Hubby's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HUBBY!

Shannon actually took this picture during Christmas 2008. I don't have many images of Hubby to choose from as I write this. We're at the WV place and most of my pics are at home on the network. So that one will have to do. Unless you want to look at last year's birthday pics.

Speaking of pictures, here are a few odd ones for you.

The other day in Washington, DC, I saw this woman walking her kid/grand kid on a leash. The first thing I thought was "Jedi on a leash!" A Jedi is a Star Wars character with crazy mental powers.

I've never really been opposed to leashing children. I just think it looks silly and would never do it myself. But if your child is a Jedi Knight, it's probably better to leash her/him.

Speaking of kids looking silly on leashes, check this out.

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You've seen signs like this on truck trailers, right?

This is only one example. There are many variations of this warning. In a nutshell, it means this... if you are following a truck with it's right turn signal blinking that moves into the left lane, don't try to pass on the right. If you do, you'll get smushed.

The owner of the trailer shown below apparently got tired of people not understanding the standard wide right turn warning signs and took matters into his own hands.

Hubby gets the credit for spotting this one.

If you click on the image, you'll get a larger view.

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Can you guess what this is?

- - - - -

Want more weird pics? Sorry, I'm all out. This site should keep you entertained though.

Cutting Edge Electronics Locator

Let's say you're out for the day, all set to tour some famous sites and take lots of pictures when you realize your camera battery is almost dead. You're in the middle of a big city, but really need to find a camera or electronics store. You have no map, no telephone directory, no broadband Web access device.

In short, you're screwed.

What do you do? You Call SONstar.

Yes, the makers of the wildly popular MOMstar Navigation Support System recently expanded their family of products. Now, parents can get directional assistance AND help buying electronics using the new SONstar Remote Navigation System.

All you need is a cellular telephone. Dial the toll-free number to reach an operator. "Did you just wake up?" is just one example of a mutually agreed upon code-word that indicates you are a paid subscriber in need of help. You might also use, "What time did you get home?" Or, perhaps, "Did you take out the trash?"

After establishing your identity, and verifying that you are a hopeless adult, the operator will ask what sort of help you need.

Using our example, we'll pretend you are in Washington, DC. "I need to find a Best Buy (electronics box store) in Alexandria."

"What do you need to buy?" the operator asks.

"A car charger for my camera battery."

"Don't you already have one?"

"Yes, son, but it's at home in my camera bag."

"That sucks," he says. "Well, where are you now?"

You give him your location.

"Okay. Hold on," he says. There's a loud bang as he drops the phone. You wait as he consults a map. After a minute or two, he tells you there are three of them in the area. He's mumbling so you have to ask him to repeat himself at least three times.

"The closest one is on Jefferson Davis Highway. So you need to turn around. It's just past East Glebe Road."

"Okay, thanks son," you tell him. You're just about to hang up when you remember... for a limited time only, if you nag the operator at the end of the call, too, you get a 10% discount on the service. You just have to remember to say something like, "Did you let the dogs out yet?" Or, "Clean your bedroom." Perhaps even, "Don't forget to mow the grass."

The sound of the telephone slamming down is your acknowledgment that the bonus nagging has been received.

What's With the Duck?

This is not just any duck, this is FibroDuck.

In an effort to raise awareness and support for fibromyalgia sufferers, Jamie Goodwin, freelance writer and former stand-up comedienne, has started a movement. It's the FibroDuck comedy tour. The goal is to collect pictures of FibroDuck taken at various places all around the world.

Wanna help? Visit the FibroDuck Web site and request your own duck today. There's one en route to my house at this very moment. Somewhere between the UK and here. I'll let you know when he has arrived.

Um, Do You Think This is For Real?

Every now and then I like to post stuff on my blog that makes people wonder, "Is she serious?" Or, "Do you think she really believes this?" Perhaps even, "This chick is just dumb. And she's not even a blonde."

Like yesterday's post.

And the one about Meg's presbyopia correction.

There was the picture I added to my PhotoShop disaster post, too, which I don't think anyone ever noticed a problem with.

I never know if people are afraid to ask or just don't want to make me feel stupid by saying anything.

That's okay. I just like keeping people on their toes.

Apparently, I am not alone. There's actually a Web site, The Museum of Hoaxes, that has four fun photo tests. Here's a fun thing to look at, too.

On a final note, here's my latest favorite word-of-the-day from Urban Dictionary...

CYBERCHONDRIAC - someone who spends their time searching medical Web sites for diseases they convince themselves they actually have.

Lite Margaritas... It's About Time

Can you guess who joined Hubby and I for dinner last night?

C'mon, take a guess. The passport and Thailand paperwork are your clues.

It was Shannon, our eldest, who is less than a week away from setting off on her year-long, around the world backpacking tour.

Less than a week. Wow.

I'm changing the subject now...

Can you guess who made dinner? How about the pretty, blue beverage?

HINT: It wasn't the same person.


It's Hubby's week to cook. Tonight, he made southwestern egg rolls with yummy, completely-from-scratch Mexican rice, which he served topped with some kind of green sauce and a dollop of sour cream. They were delicious.

I made the beverages. My famous blue margaritas. The two key ingredients, in addition to ice, frozen lime juice concentrate and salt, of course, are...

... DeKuyper Blue Curacao (orange flavored liqueur, blue in color) and Sauza Hornitos Reposado tequila.

Those two things have been staples at my house for a couple of years now. But tonight, I learned something new. Something very exciting. A bit of information I so wish I'd picked up on earlier in the year.

You see, I've been dieting. So I've been avoiding high calorie stuff like margaritas. It wasn't until tonight that I realized the folks at DeKuyper had finally come out with a low-calorie Blue Curacao.

The weird thing is, it seems they're trying to be sort of hush-hush about it. I have no idea why. I mean, I truly think lower calorie margaritas are a breakthrough. Don't you?

So why not do a shout-out to the world announcing the fact? The label seems a bit, well, understated if you ask me. See for yourself...

All it says is "LITER." At least it's in uppercase. But why not something like, "ALL NEW, lower calorie, liter Blue Curacao. Same great flavor but with less sugar and fewer calories"?

Assuming there is less sugar and they didn't use some other trick to make the stuff lite. It would be nice to know how much liter, too. Like, is it liter by 20 calories? Or 100 calories liter?

The DeKuyper marketing folks must not be the brightest bulbs on the string. Or maybe they're dual-purpose marketers/taste-testers, never quite sober enough to realize or care that being LITER is a good thing.

Maybe we'll get lucky and the people at Sauza will start offering a liter tequila. Maybe I should start a letter-writing campaign. What do you think? Wanna help?

Ode to Joy

Now here's a video that's guaranteed to make you smile. Unless you're a total, world-class grump.

Watch the video. Go ahead, I dare you.



I should warn you, you'll probably end up humming the dang tune all day.

Sorry, I should have warned you before I told you to watch.

Kristin at Dragondreamer's Lair, a fellow Wordless Wednesday participant, gets the credit for finding this one.

Um, What?

Every now and then, even people who get paid, a lot, to talk for a living screw up.



One could say it was just an oops. Like the anchor who said "ass cream" instead of "ice cream." That's understandable.

But in my featured video, the guy (Ernie Anastos) tried explaining it away by admitting what he meant to say was, "Keep plucking that chicken." But as this NY Times bit points out, what does that mean?

Let the Creative Juices Flow

Ever find yourself at a loss for words when someone does something indescribably stupid? Maybe you're just tired of using the same, old, plain-Jane words every day. I have the cure for you...

It's Urban Dictionary. The Web site where you can go to find creative new ways to use words and, even better, write your own word definitions.

Some are funny. Some are dumb. Many use not-so-nice words in the definitions (don't say I didn't warn you!). Most are pretty creative.

Here's today's term of the day used in a sentence... Who needs or even wants flowers when you can get an enragement ring instead?

My personal favorite is "dumbass."

Here are some random other words used in a sentence...

That librarian had kanus breath.

I've been working at the same place for seven years and just got my third no-motion. My parents are really very embarrassed.

All was going well on Jack's first date with Misha until she was obviously overcome and distracted by dish envy.

I hope Shan's lucky enough to get a ghetto upgrade on her flight to Barcelona.

"Dude, did you read ToadMama's blog today?"

Get the picture? Check it out. When you have absolutely nothing better to do of course.

Foolproof Swine Flu Diagnostic Tool

Now, I'm not one to panic. Yes, I know the Swine Flu is out there. Yes, I know it can hit me as easily as it can hit anyone else. I'm just not losing any sleep worrying about it.

However, I was at my doctor's office yesterday. She told me about a paper she'd read in one of her journals that explained exactly how one can tell, without a doubt, if what ails them is the Swine Flu.

Wanna know how?

First, you need one of these.

Make sure there's lots of light, too, 'cause you'll have to look pretty closely.

Now, look in the mirror.

If you look like this, you're screwed.

If you don't look like this, you should be okay. I hope.

My Mom gets credit for e-mailing me this image, which I just had to share.

Amazing Animal Pics

Every now and then I stumble across really cool stuff that I just have to share. Check out these pics.

I didn't take any of them, but I thought they were interesting enough to share.

I hope you enjoy them.

A Business Name That Fits

I don't do many non-PC posts. This is a family blog after all. Sort of.

So I won't be overtly offensive. You'll either get this or you won't.

This sign was on the back of one of those for-hire vans. Hubby, Eric and I were on our way to my parents' house to pick them up for their party.

I think you'd find this way funnier had I gotten a picture showing the name of the business hand-painted on the side of the white van.

We thought it pretty ironic, and comical, that the company name was PB Short Bus.

If you don't get the irony, chances are you don't know what short bus means.

Sorry it's a crappy photo. Hubby was driving on the horribly pot-holed streets of Baltimore City.

Gone But Not Forgotten

Remember the Taco Bell ads featuring the chihuahua? I loved those. There's just something about a cute dog speaking, using an even cuter accent.

Sadly, the dog, actually a female named Gidget, recently passed at the ripe old age of 15.

Here's a brief video clip in remembrance of her.



This may be old news for some of you, but I think Gidgey deserves to be remembered.

"Yo quiero Taco Bell."



"Viva gorditas!"



This next one is a rip-off, but I love it!



As an aside... wanna hear something funny? Eric was moseying around the house while I was creating this post. He saw me watching the various videos on YouTube and said, "Uh, why are you watching those?" He was standing behind me at the time petting Moses. So, in a normal voice, I told him the Taco Bell chihuahua had died.

"Oh," he replied.

"It's just sad," I said quietly, in a pretty-convincing, tear-filled voice.

"What?" he said.

So I did a little fake sob and said, louder, in a voice even thicker with tears, "It's just SAD!"

"Shut up," he replied.

"Yeah, I almost had you, didn't I?"

'No, not really. But if you were crying over the death of the Taco Bell dog, I was going to have to, like, run upstairs and pack a suitcase."

On Mom Jeans and Muffin Tops

This is not about body shape, it's about clothing.

One of the reasons I don't pay much attention to the news is that it's either unpleasant or stupid. But, since stupidity is far more entertaining than bad stuff, I tend to gravitate towards the offbeat, weird and just plain dumb. Yesterday, it was this video on Obama and his "Mom jeans."



Because I am so totally un-hip and out of touch, I didn't really know what Mom jeans were. But, since yesterday was Thirsty Third Thursday (Shannon, Amy and I actually managed to get together on the scheduled day this month), I got to touch base with my own, in-house experts, i.e., the kids.

As Shannon lined up her shot on the other side of the pool table, and Amy watched from the end, I asked, "Do you guys know what Mom pants are?"

I can't remember the exact answer, but it was something along the lines of, "Duh. Yeah! But they're called Mom jeans."

"Well, maybe I shouldn't talk, because for all I know, I wear Mom pants..." says I.

"Um, I don't remember seeing you in Mom jeans," Amy reported. I was sort of relieved. I mean, really, I'm at the age where I don't really care if my clothes are trendy. Though I admit, the label "Mom jeans" is just sort of embarrassing.

Anyway, as I told them, I'd much rather see women in Mom pants than those awful, low-waisted things that look absolutely adorable on only a select few women with about -10% body fat. But, if you're even the slightest bit plump, as many women are, and you wear those things, your fat hangs over the waistband and it's rather unsightly. Especially since the jeans are either worn with very tight shirts or, worse, short shirts that leave that flesh exposed. They are completely unflattering.

"You mean Muffin Tops?" Shannon asked.

I chortled. Leave it to Shannon to know a term like that. Amy knew it, too, of course. And once they said it, I realized just how appropriate a term it is.

Here's a blog post from someone else that talks about Muffin Tops.

Even better is this YouTube video...



For the record, I don't consider Obama's pants to be Mom pants or even Dad pants for that matter. I thought they were sort of cute. (Wait, can you hear a loud shrill? That's my oldometer going off...)

One thing I have to give Obama, he's certainly the most attractive Pres we've had in a long time. I'll bet Michelle will never be called a Muffin Top either.

So, do you feel enlightened after reading this? Or did you already know about Mom Jeans and Muffin Tops?

Publish Post

What's Better Than A Cute Baby?

A cute baby that knows sign language!

This precious little pumpkin is Luke (last name being withheld, since he's a minor and all). He's the son of my friend, Annmarie. Who also happens to be my current work supervisor.

Isn't Luke just the cutest little thing? I love seeing new pictures of him. They always make me smile.

This one, of course, made me laugh out loud.

He doesn't really know sign language. His Mom finally just decided there was some merit to having the camera at hand all the time to catch moments just like this one. So when he's a teenager, and his girlfriend comes over to visit, she can share this image with said girlfriend and say, "See how expressive our little Lukey-pookey was? And at such a young age!"

He's around 6 months, I think. Or, wait, should that be "six (6) months"?

If you love this pic, too, be sure to comment so Luke knows how many people out there think he's a real star.

A Squirrel Gets What He Deserves

Now, this is funny...



...in a sick sort of way.

Did Anyone Get it Right?

Yesterday, I posted a couple of pics of my Dad and challenged fans to try and figure out what's weird in the pics.

I wonder if anyone did? I hope my Mom didn't cheat and supply the answer.

Well, here's the deal. Dad is wearing his favorite baseball cap in the pics. He got it in like 1988 or 1989. The Spadefish was the first nuclear sub my brother, who is now retired from the US Navy, served on.

He wears it a lot, so he decided to wash it. Unfortunately, the bill fell off.

Look again.

As soon as Mom told me that, I could see it. Before she clued me in, I was lost. Actually, I was starting to panic, thinking, "Oh Jeez, his birthday is June 30, not July 30 and I missed it!"

He doesn't look sad, he just looks Sleepy. (That's his nickname, by the way. Sleepy.)

I'll announce the winner in my next post.

Have a happy Fourth of July!!!

How Observant Are You?

My Mom sent me two pictures by e-mail the other day to see if I could spot anything odd in them. I couldn't. Of course, she sent them on June 30, the day I had to get three proposals out (for work, not for fun).

Maybe that's why I didn't spot the incongruity. I was distracted. Or maybe it just didn't register. Maybe I'm just unobservant. They just looked like shots of my Dad in his favorite baseball cap to me.

I decided to pass the test on to my Blog fans. The first one to comment and tell me what's wrong will be dubbed Most Observant ToadMama Fan.

Ready?

Look carefully. The man in the photos isn't odd, that's my Dad. Of course, with offspring like me, you be the judge as to whether or not he might be odd.

The picture is sort of small (Mom sent low-res files), but here's a close-up.

Notice anything weird?

Be sure to comment if you do. I'll post the answer tomorrow. The winner will be announced on Sunday night, or Monday, depending how early we feel like returning from WV.

Good luck!

Your Father Might Be a Redneck If...

...he does stuff like this.

My Mom sent me the above photo by e-mail this morning with no explanation. My first thought was, "What is it?" (NOTE: that's a censored sentiment. This is a family blog, so I won't type what I really thought. I was having a crappy morning.)

My Mom didn't reply to my query, so I showed Hubby. He said it's my Dad's take on the Topsy-Turvy Tomato Planter that is advertised on TV.

It appears to be working. I mean, look closely and you'll see the tomato plant is thriving. And it is still early in June. If he'd planted that plant in the ground, it would probably be dead.

But it's hanging on their front porch. In an old 5-gallon bucket. It looks a bit rednecky, if you ask me. I guess I am just not as environmentally conscious as Dad. After all, he's making use of something (the old, 5-gallon bucket) that would otherwise get tossed in the trash.

This is one of my favorite pictures of my Dad. It's a couple of years old. That's CeCe on the lower left. She's no longer with us. This was taken at the WV place one weekend that Dad came up to help.

Speaking of West Virginia, if we'd saved the drywall buckets that were left over from that project, we could have had our own tomato FARM.

That's Hubby pictured above with some of the buckets we had left.

So, is my Dad a redneck? Or environmentally responsible?